DRUNK POSTING, ONLY NOT DRUNK ON BOOZE SO MUCH AS DRUNK ON JENNY LAWSON AND POSSIBLY SLEEP DEPRIVED
Again I totally forgot that I was supposed to launch a blogpost at 12:05 am cst today, it being Friday and all. Sorry about that.
On the plus side, instead of putting up a placekeeper this time I sat right down to write the late blogpost as soon as I realized. (Well not actually as soon as I realized. Three hours later really. The reason will become apparent.)1
Eamon Sullivan, Olympic swimmer for Australia (and no matter what you do, the picture won't go any lower, not that I tried or anything. I'm just warning you so you don't waste time.)
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1 Rereading this I'm second guessing myself because you may not consider the lack of a placekeeper as being a plus. My placekeeper last time was a gorgeous male. I think I'll put up a random picture of a gorgeous male just because I love my readers and don't want to deprive them. You're welcome.
I'm reading a fabulous book. I'm on page 246 out of 318. It's 4am and I know that I'll stay up until I finish. I couldn't bear the guilt of leaving all my blog readers in the lurch any longer so I took a break. (Actually I got very sleepy and I was afraid I'd go to sleep without blogging but it's not really much of a lie because the gist is still that my readers are my first priority. Well, not my first priority but you get it, right?)
What am I reading, you may ask? I'm reading Let's Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson, the Bloggess.
This computer totally tried to thwart me as I was trying to underline the name of the book and the awesome author. This usually lovely HP thought I said "mix all the words up" and I had to yell - no asshole, I said "bold" and "underline". How do you get mix all the words up from that? Geez.
Of course, I didn't really yell because my mother is sleeping and she wouldn't appreciate yelling. She would especially hate my yelling the word 'asshole' because she's one of those weird people who take it very seriously when you arrange certain letters in certain orders that she considers to be curse words.
I may have to do some creative rearranging of the truth tomorrow when I talk to her anyway. This book is making me laugh maniacally in some parts and I'm pretty sure I was laughing when she got up to use the bathroom at one point. I'm, in fact, certain that I was laughing at the idea the book mentions that Jesus should be considered to be a zombie as he rose from the dead. My mom would so not appreciate the humor in that idea. In fact, I might get a lecture on how I'm going to hell for even reading such things. Probably not, though. She gave up on lecturing me about that stuff long ago. I think she's resigned herself that I am indeed going to hell. Which when you think of it, what kind of mother does that? Maybe a mother who's going to hell for being a bad mother, huh?
All I can say is, this is a wonderful book. Read it. The footnotes alone are worth it. Like this one:
"After I read this chapter to my editor she pointed out that I've been using the phrase "whip-its" incorrectly for my entire life, as it really refers to getting high from nitrous oxide and can totally kill you. Which explains why people look at me so strangely when I tell them that some of my most cherished childhood memories include doing "whip-its" with my grandmother. My editor consoled me with the fact that maybe people thought I was talking about the dog (whippet), but then admitted that didn't make it much better."2
The sacrifices I make for you people. Do you have any idea what happens when you put "squirting whipped cream into your mouth" in bing images. Shudder. Don't. Do. It.
Are you back now? I knew you couldn't resist. Disgusting huh? Did you have to change your safe setting?
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2That footnote makes more sense if you know that Jenny was referring to the practice of squirting whipped cream from the can directly into your mouth.
Okay, so as I was saying a long, long time ago, Let's Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson is a deeply moving book. And by deeply moving I mean your bowels might move from all the laughter so you might want to read it on the toilet. Especially the chapter about colon cleansing.
There's also some cry-y bits but they're worth it.
Just read it, okay.
ps. You can't just say that you read it because you want to be cool but you're too lazy to read it. Those of us who are really cool will know you're lying and we'll rat you out.
pps. By rat you out I mean we'll make fun of you endlessly and probably call you names, but only in our heads, because we know you might be armed and we don't want you to kill us.
ppps. I don't think anyone who reads my blog would try to kill me because I ratted them out for pretending to be cool and lying about reading the book. Except for the unnamed one. You know who you are. Maybe you should consider therapy. Or anger management. Or a cold shower. Oh wait, that's for if you're horny not murderous. Sorry.
Now I really feel like Jenny because I've started this and I don't know where to stop and it's getting awkward and embarrassing so I'm just going to say
"Love you Jenny Lawson. Love your book."
Then I'm going to go hide in my bathroom. Or read until I fall asleep in the recliner. One or the other.
What are you doing? Or are you afraid to tell me now?
Disclaimer: I'm an atheist. It took years of hard work on my part to get my mother to stop lecturing me about going to hell. I want to make it clear in the unlikely events that a-she read this blogpost and b-she survived reading this blogpost without dying of a massive, shock-induced heart attack; I do NOT want her to start in again lecturing me about going to hell.